Holding it all this holiday season

It’s December! It’s the holiday season… a time of celebration, hope, and light. 

Last night was the fifth night of Hannukah and we lit the candles evoking a story of hope.

And yet, for many folks, the holidays are a hard time of year. Grief and stress surface. It can be difficult to find our internal experience doesn’t quite match the lights and cheer around us. This is particularly salient with the current events of the world.

Discordance has been a theme for me this season.

Two months ago, I got married. It was, without a doubt, one of the most joyful experiences of my life. And yet, it wasn’t a simple time. Our rehearsal dinner was on October 7th, and the news of the Hamas attack had just come to light, so hugs were hugs of congratulations but also hugs of grief, support, and dread for what we knew was to come.

On the plane en route to our honeymoon, as we learned about the details of the attack and Israel’s response, we had to ask ourselves, how can we be in the joy in the midst of so much grief, darkness, and destruction? How do we make room to hold it all? 

I have come to understand that this tricky task of holding complex and often seemingly contradictory truths and experiences at once is a fundamental challenge of the human experience.

We so want the good times and bad times to be wrapped up neatly in separate packages, designated times for pure joy or unmitigated grief. But life rarely seems to work like that, does it?

One aspect of our lives finally comes together as another part seems to unravel. The news of pregnancy comes days before losing a job. A long-awaited life change finally takes place, and we find ourselves grieving what is lost.

The practical problems of being a human seem to never let up long enough to just be in the joy. I’m reminded of Violet Crawley of Downton Abbey dryly commenting, “My dear, all life is a series of problems which we must try to solve, first one and then the next and the next, until at last we die.”

If we are careful, we can lose sight of the good altogether. But, we can’t put our heads in the sand either and pretend it’s all ok.

Despite our inclination to sum up our experiences in picture-perfect Instagram stories, real life is messy, sometimes an almost cacophonous symphony of disparate emotions, experiences, and desires.

And, so we are faced with the difficult task of finding ways to hold it all. 

How do we do that?

The first step must be giving ourselves permission to let things be messy and complex.

Permission means letting go of the pressure for experiential purity—a harmful cultural myth that deserves more attention.

It means we accept and surrender to our honest experience and let the joy and grief, fear and excitement, heart-full and heartbreak all coexist.

I will admit that on my honeymoon, with all the expectations wrapped up in it, that was not always easy. I leaned heavily on the skills I’d developed, especially the work of Dr. Rick Hanson. In Hardwiring Happiness, he shares the skill of bringing a positive experience to the foreground, and bringing a difficult experience into the background. Letting them both be present, but with the good right up front. This practice helps us balance out our brain’s negativity bias and create more room to take in the good.

I worked to bring the joy of the present experience to the foreground when we were out exploring. And I gave myself time when it felt right to update on the news, be with my feelings, process it all alone or with Yoni. It wasn’t perfect, but I was grateful for the tools I had.

This time has been an invitation to deepen my capacity to be with it all. To make room for the grief on my honeymoon and to make room for joy in the midst of unrelenting loss of life. To make space for my fears and to hold my conviction for justice and dignity and safety for all.

This holiday season, I invite you to ask yourself, where in your life are you being asked to hold it all?

Are there emotions or parts of you that you are resisting or telling yourself “shouldn’t” be there? How might you give yourself permission to own more of your experience—the joy with the pain?

Sometimes it is about holding our deepest desires in one hand, while we hold the fear in the other. Sometimes it is about celebrating an accomplishment while there are so many other messy, unfinished items clouding our focus. 

We can cling to the simplicity because it feels safe. But our liberation- internally and collectively requires holding the complexity.

My prayer for us all this season is that we make space for our shared humanity, the messy complicated internal and external reality. And that we do everything in our power to bring more compassion, more healing for us all.

It brings me so much joy and purpose to see your faces on Zoom, to celebrate your wins, and hold your vision for you and your lives. If you are hoping to create a little more space in your life to hold it all, email me to set up a session.

Love and light,

Meredith

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If you could use support holding it all, let’s chat.